Rediscovering Intimacy in Postpartum
One of the most common topics that come up for new Dads is the subject of intimacy in Postpartum, both in my monthly Dad Group and in my one-on-one Coaching. And to be clear, I certainly include sex here, but I first want to explicitly focus on how emotional intimacy is in play as well. In fact, the emotional intimacy is the much more significant of the two, especially in the chaos of 4th Trimester challenges. However, the thing both of these needs have in common is that they fundamentally require a meaningfully connection with Mama, and getting to a point where you can cleanly establish that connection is really the first step to be considered.
Connecting with Mama through bridge building efforts is your best route for establishing the baseline bonds, and obviously this is easier if you’ve already invested in building those bridges all throughout your journey so far. But what about those times when you’re feeling all alone in the wilderness, exhausted from the constant performance demands coming from both the work place and the home front?
The first step to make, and one that is absolutely necessary, is to take a few moments to pause, get grounded, and take an honest look inside yourself. Where can you open your heart to your own struggles? Where can you hold space to allow yourself to be fully present and attentive to where you are feeling hurt, lost, alone, or otherwise struggling? What are feeling below the surface story, and can you open up enough space and grace inside to allow all that to come to the forefront?
Take as much time as you need here. The goal is to surface your unconscious, unexpressed, or otherwise pent up feelings, thoughts, moods, etc... and simply allow them to just simply be. No need to fix them, argue with them, or otherwise challenge them. Just create space for them and acknowledge whatever comes up. You might be surprised to see which ones simply dissipate like mist in the sun, and which ones remain and get more clearly defined as the light of awareness washes over them. Let all of this settle to a place where you feel a sense of calmness about it all and increased clarity about what remains.
Now you are better prepared to connect with Mama. You aren’t coming in hot and full of your own baggage that is only going to get in the way of the connection you are trying to make. This place of warmth and openness is one that new Mamas are likely to be much more receptive to than one of heat and frustration.
The next step is to then invite Mama to sit in this space with you. A simple, “Hey, when you get a minute can you join me here on the couch? I miss you and just want to snuggle for a few minutes. I know you probably have a hundred things on your list, so let’s work on them together after a few minutes of just resting in our connection.”
This kind of emotional intimacy is so important here in the 4th Trimester, so much more so than sexual intimacy. First with yourself, and then shared with Mama.
The sexual intimacy you’re seeking will likely follow on its own terms and timeline, and will do so much easier and more naturally when your relationship has bounced forward into a space of deeper connection provided by your focus and investment in building the bonds of emotional intimacy.
