Gratitude, the 6th Love Language
One of the core tenets of my various writings, teachings, and podcasting work is the importance of cultivating and strengthening the bonds of connection between you and Mama. And developing an Attitude of Gratitude is perhaps the most potent skill you can learn to help you in your efforts. The time to start this process is NOW, wherever you are in your pregnancy to parenthood journey. Your relationship is the basis of the family structure that Baby will be born into, and having it be warm, vibrant, and resilient is the key to your whole family’s early postpartum success.
I rely on a variety of tools in my classes and coaching work with expectant Dads and couples, but perhaps the most useful in fostering connection is the work of Gary Chapman and his book The Five Love Languages. The basic premise is that we each have preferred “love languages,” or ways we really feel love and support from our partners. The 5 he covers are 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Gifts, 3) Physical Touch, 4) Acts of Service, and 5) Quality Time. These preferences differ from person to person, and a key to building and maintaining a strong relationship is to be aware of our partner’s preferred Love Language and to intentionally “speak” it when seeking to show our love and appreciation of them.
For example, my preferred Love Languages are Physical Touch and Quality Time. How this shows up is that I really enjoy holding my wife’s hand as we go for a walk around the block with the dog each evening. We get to catch up on our day, chat about tomorrow’s plans, and otherwise enjoy each other’s company, and all while connected through hand-holding. That’s a home run for me, and I look forward to it every day.
She, on the other hand, most appreciates the Love Languages of Gifts and Acts of Service. So while she enjoys our walks too, she really feels my love for her when she walks into the kitchen in the morning and sees the dishes put away and finds a short note next to the coffee maker wishing her a good day.
However, there is a 6th Love Language that I think truly surpasses the first 5, and that is the Attitude of Gratitude. What elevates Gratitude over and above the other 5?
The premise behind the 5 Love Languages is that they are explicitly focused on helping us express our love in the particular “language” that our partners can hear best, and therefore they can often feel somewhat contrived to the degree that we don’t share an affinity for that language. Gratitude, on the other hand, is a force that works just as deeply on us as it does on our partners.
Genuine gratitude has tremendous healing potential, both short term and long term. It begins by first orienting our perspective to our partner and their struggles and successes. In so doing it both brings us up and out of our own often myopic perspective and connects us to them and theirs.
Perhaps paradoxically, this shift in perspective outward actually also exerts a powerful inward force that touches us where we are wounded and most vulnerable. The warm love of gratitude then becomes a powerful antidote to frustration and resentment. It replaces them with spaciousness and appreciation, allowing the much more significant truth of deep love and connection to come to the forefront.
Your efforts today in cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude will yield immediate positive results, both in your heart and in Mama’s too. These results include deepening your sense of teamwork, further cementing your bonds of connection, and deeply strengthening your relationship. The tagline for WTF is better connected, better prepared, and practicing Gratitude mindfully is a sure way to accomplish both of these goals and feel great doing so.
